fuck

tonight's lecture will include such topics you're ungrateful, you think you're better than everyone, you can't handle money, you complain too much, and too top it all off, you hate your parents.


thanks dad! you're awesome


I'm hyperventilating in my own tears... I'm 21 years old. I'm not supposed to get lectures like this, or hyperventilate in my own tears...

I hate people.

Also...

If you really want to experience the 2005/2006 High school Brandon, http://branz06.mindsay.com/

enjoy... If you're looking for what I think are most interesting try, I'm in love with Barbie, Screwdrivers suck

Have I changed?

I found my blog from high school the other day... I can't believe it. I seriously forgot all about it. I learned some things though. the "...." thing that I do, was started my senior year of high school. A friend got me into it.
This made me think that maybe I haven't. I wrote the following January 1, 2006; sort of as a new years resolution... maybe it is the first resolution I kept.

first off... if your going to party.... and least party like you're having fun....... i don't care if you aren't or not..... fake it...... at least party like you're drunk...... and i mean it.... if your going to party don't just sit around and wait for the entertainment... start talking... don't just stand... move.... dance.... yell.... do something.... I HATE QUIET PEOPLE!!

second..... if you feel like crying.... flippin cry..... and don't be afraid to do it in front of people... crying makes you more real...... and its kind of nice knowing that you have that experience with someone....

third....... quit keeping score...... i don't care what i did to you three four five years ago....... what have i done recently....... and if i have done something recently... have you talked to me about it? if you really want to keep score.... trust me we'll keep score and you will lose!!

fourth....... tell people you love them..........

fifth...... let people in...... how can you have a relationship on any level with a person if you don't let them in...... sure they might let you down... they might hurt you...... but they might not...... its a chance you have to take......

sixth....... remember that no matter how bad things get... there is always someone else out there who understands..... someone else who has been there....... someone else who cares...

SO TRUE

Freshman boys give so much wisdom

It's amazing what you can learn from people when you think you're going to be mentoring them.
Last night, I helped one of my boys answer a twirp response, hung out at the brick house, went to taco bell, got a speeding ticket, and stayed at merritt's until 2AM with four of my boys, one boy from another wing, a crazy girl, and a prospective student (who now says that without a doubt he's coming to NNU... he's going to be so let down when he realizes that NNU isn't really at all like the night he experienced.) We blasted the music and danced outside of ford until the RD came outside... then sped off into the night... Then I had a life talk that was so sincere.

and one of my boys said this question that has haunted me since..

How many people are you sincere with?


How crazy is that... maybe it's not crazy at all, but it bothered me.

I cried... in a freshman dorm... during my senior year... I never even did that my freshman year...

I've messed up hardcore.

I love catching up...

Today was a good day for catching up with old friends... I just called everyone it seems. I called my sister-in-law(the baby is doing well), I called all my fine arts camp counselor friends (well four of them at least), and I called a few old high school friends.It was like having conversations with people that actually know me... I don't feel like that is true at school.
I hate it when people pretend like they know me here. They really have no clue... Even if it's just silly things... like saying that I love being social or something... I hate being social... I hate large groups of people... I hate most people...

The people I talked to today, know that about me.

I went grocery shopping today, all alone, Do you understand how liberating that is?
I have the apartment to myself this weekend. It has never felt more like a home to me.
I spent today cleaning the apartment, and realized that one day, I won't have to pick up my roommates crap and put it away.

Talking to ben (camp counselor friend) I realized that this person that I knew for a whole 4 weeks knows me better than most of my friends at school. How weird is that?

I missed my bestie most of all today... taking one of my guys to Dutch bros and remembering the crazy times we used to have... every convo was a shit show, and we could laugh so hard doing nothing, and of course, talking shit was what we did best. She knew all my secrets, even though I'd never told her, and I knew all hers. We knew what to say and how to call each other out... and what to call each other out on. I miss her a lot today.

I will not cry... I cannot cry... Fuck pregnancy complications... I just want to be the cool uncle that gets to fill the little kid full of caffeine and send them home.

Screw this.

I'm growing up...

Yesterday I got up from class and went to the bathroom... I didn't really need to go to the bathroom, but I wasn't focusing and needed to refocus. As I walked down to the drinking fountain I felt so responsible. I realized that I wasn't focusing and did what I needed to in order to take car of that... I got my drink and slowly walked back to class, opened the door and stepped quietly inside. That is when I realized that there was only one person in the classroom that I knew, and that this room was definitely not my class. Anyone that goes to my school knows that the doors are generally in the front of the class, so everyone was staring at me. The best part of this was, it just didn't bother me... so I went and sat down. This was probably pretty dumb of me... Then the prof asked if he could help me and I just said... oh I'm not in this class, got up, and proceeded to the correct class.

It was a weird experience but one of my favorites.

I felt like I had control. I felt very adult.

I try...
I try for you
I try hard
I try to make you smile
I try to get you to notice me
I try not to hate you
I try to please you
I try to give you what you want


I fail... at almost everything


but only when it comes to you


I'm guessing it's not my problem...

This is the kind of genius I hope to be one day.

Photo by berett

I'm back in a blogging sorta way...

I'm sorry...
I hope...
I wish you understood...
I wish you would...
I hope I am...
I'm glad you are...
I hate that you...


I'm sorry... that I'm not who/what you were going to have getting into this...
I hope... that when you followed me to across the Wal-Mart parking lot, that it meant as much to you as it did to me.
I wish you understood... That I was a very confused boy at the end of last semester, and who I said I was is not who I am.
I wish you would...stop talking about me...
I hope I am... really doing as good of a job as you say I am doing.
I'm glad that you are... enjoying the fact I'm trying for you.
I hate that you... can laugh at my jokes that aren't funny, remark with some witty comment and make me wish that I wasn't deeply terrified of you.


Yet again, I'm becoming a craaaazzzy person... Why does this always happen to me when I come to school... It's 3:00AM... my chair covers are in the dryer and have about 20 minutes left... then it is bed, to get up at 7-ish, get ready for freshman class retreat, and head off to a weekend full of freshman-ness. The PM part of me is excited for the relationships, the reporter part of me is hoping for an amazing story, but the Brandon in me... the part of me I kind of hate, really wants to ditch out on this whole weekend, and enjoy three days of glory.

A couch, a couple bookshelves, and an entertainment center and my apartment will be complete.... that day will be magical.

It's been about two months since my last blogpost... I feel like I'm slacking in some way. I'm not ready for this school year to start. I'm not excited for anything that will happen this year, but I'm dedicated to what I'm doing. Working for the Newspaper has started to become somewhat aggravating already, not because of the actual work, but because no one wants to talk... Being a Peer Mentor has started to become a challenge and it's only the first day of school... I'm hoping things start to look up here soon. I need to find a job. I need to start focusing. I need to unpack. I need to do so many things, but I don't even know where to start. I need focus. I need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

The other day I found out that a stupid person started spreading rumors about me and was using those rumors to try to get me removed from my peer mentor job... seriously, what the hell is with people and trying to take me out of positions of leadership... I apparently have to fight for everything. I hate that. Apparently working hard to be good at what you do isn't good enough but I have to battle dumb bitches the entire way... I'm too vindictive to be a good person... So far I've had to be talked down four times from doing something absolutley a-holish, more a-hole than I have ever been before... and That is saying something.

I hate this school sometimes...

and I'm alone here somehow... I don't know what I did so wrong...

I don't even know where to start....

so instead of even trying I'm going to make a playlist of songs that describe how I'm feeling.

I figure this way... I can sum up everything I've been feeling in the past week and not actually have to use any of my own words. Well... I guess I might explain them a little bit...

but remember not everything in the song is applicable to me...

1. Hey Man (now you're really living)-by the Eels: This song describes so many fun things some applicable some not, but just the idea of finally really living life as who you are... thats where I'm at... I think
2. Heartless- Kris Allen: this is the cover of Kanye's heartless that Kris allen did on american Idol... I just love this song... and if you haven't heard this version... that sound is how i feel.
3.Not Fair- Lily Allen: I would like to dedicate this song to someone in particular...
4.Top Yourself- The Raconteurs
5.Sweet Ballad- Munchausen by proxy: I'm just so sick and tired of being used by people!
6. Soak up the sun- Sheryl Crow: It's been sunny!! all week! this never happens in sitka... and I have a farmers tan!!I've been walking or riding bikes every day after work with fawn or tal, I've lost weight and feel good... it's been so nice
7.Can't get you out of my mind- Sonya Kitchell: title says it all
8. Train- sonya Kitchell: I just love this song!
9. Golden Train- Justin Nozuka: apparently I like trains...
10. Vegas- Sara Barrellis: Cause i almost did this...
11. Fairy tale- Sara barrelis: the first line of this song might be applicable to me... in a way..
12. I'm on a boat- lonley island boys: I've literally been on a boat a lot lately... and i sing this song every time.
13. Danger! High Voltage- Electric 6: this could be the theme song to my life
14. I kissed a drunk girl- Something corporate: self explanatory no?
15. All's well- Florez: I just am in this kind of mood..
16. Just dance- Lady gaga: I'm going to go dancing tonight... dance party under the bridge!!
17. 10 your glasses- Maria Mena: This explains every relationship I've ever been in or thought about being in
18. You're the only one- Maria Mena: I might be this person...
19. 5 years time- Noah and the Whale: Again this song=my mood

i think that's a pretty good mix...

tired tired tired

I’m not happy with how things in my life are going right now. Maybe I’m just not a happy person. I feel as if my happiness is like a candle and everyone around me is armed with one of those water cannons from the carnival… the ones that you use to shoot in the mouth of the clowns to blow up the balloon…
I think the worst part is that I’m okay with that.
Last night I filled out the transfer application to Nevada state. I know it’s stupid, I know I should think through this more, but things just aren’t that good right now… not at NNU, not at home, not in life in general, and I’ve screwed up enough of my relationships that I’m not worried about leaving the rest. The ones that matter will remain I’m sure.
I think I’m just grasping at straws, trying to keep something good in my life.
I know the next five years of my life don’t exactly look to hot, and after graduation this year, some shit is going to hit the fan… and I’m going to have to deal with a lot, and going to Nevada might just mean creating enough of a new life and a strong enough support to make sure that I can get through everything… and get through it all in a healthy way.
Dr. Allen is going to KILL me. Absolutely KILL me.
I just want to escape… that’s probably part of it, and I know that isn’t healthy, and isn’t a way to start this thing in a healthy way.
I know better than this.
I’ve studied relationships and communication enough to know that this isn’t healthy.
But I think it might be what I have to do.
I don’t know how to tell my parents, my friends or those others that I am close to.
I need to go to the zoo…
In all of this though… there is a part of me that says no… part of me that says I know what I need to do.
I need to say no, I need to finish up school where I’m at. Stick with my friends and make a support out of that.
Part of me that says I need to settle down to.
Need to find some nice girl, accept that, and make my parents happy… get married, have a family, get a job, and live the GD American dream…
But along with that goes so many things that I lose… things that just seem to be calling to me
The peacecorp
Grad school
World travel
And so many things that go along with it. So many things that seem to be quintessentially me, those are the things I lose.
Losing those things doesn’t especially bother me, which is what scares me the most… could I be wrong about this? That sentence is the most important in this entire thing… could I be wrong? Some of you will get it… some of you won’t

I just wrote... lets not talk about that...

I guess that I’m not exactly the most decisive person in the world… I take forever to make any decision. I know that this sounds normal, but it’s getting to the point where I’m questioning everything. Yesterday, I spent thirty minutes deciding if it was too late in the day to eat breakfast. When I finally decided that it wasn’t too late to eat breakfast I spent another 20 minutes deciding what to eat… then when I finally decided what to have I decided that now it was too late in the day to eat breakfast. Then I started planning lunch and by the time I had it all prepared and ready to go it was two hours later… and I made top ramen… so not exactly a ground breaking decision.

Now I’m realizing that I’m starting to double guess decisions that I’ve made in the past. I hate that. Because what is done is done, ya know? But of course not for me…. I’m just not in a complacent mood lately.

In other news… I want to plan a wedding. I mean, when I was social VP I planned all sorts of stuff, and the one thing I was looking forward to planning that I never got to, was the Valentine’s banquet. I had so much of that banquet planned, and it was going to look gorgeous, but of course none of it happened… but I was so excited for it.

I have a lot of my wedding planned already… which I’m sure it’s weird, but I do. I have the cake planned, the centerpieces, the colors… everything. I’m just not sure that it is a “guy” thing, but a lot of it isn’t my fault. Most of my plans come from my exchange to France, one of the girls on the trip was going to get married, and had brought a bunch of bridal magazines, so the other girls decided to help plan my wedding, and we got down to it… I guess most of my wedding has little quirks that are so “me”… like buttons, or pins, whatever you want to call them... one for each member of the bridal party, set on the bridal party table.

I’m excited for that….

We’re going to have ducks in my wedding. Ducks in a wagon… pulled by the ring bearer and flower girl.

And orchids.. or anemones… anemones are fricken gorgeous.

this one is for you

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum

my new motto

don't let the batards get you down.

soo... in other news... life is good

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I'm an inadequate person...
I'm sorry I can't be everything you want me to be...
I'm sorry I hung up on you...
I'm sorry there are things that I can't tell you...
I'm sorry that boys are confusing to you...
I'm sorry this isn't how you wanted me to turn out..

but...

You expect what can't happen
I try really hard
You can't say things like that to me
you've made it to where I'm scared of you
you fall for boys because you want to take care of them
according to everyone you respect, it's really your fault..

now if only i could say those things to the people they need to be said too...

I guess I'm just too scared of people.... i didn't think I would ever be this scared of people...

but there is one difference.... I'm not letting these things affect my relationships with these people.

I am more exhausted in Sitka Alaska then I have ever been at school... Ever.

Seriously give me all nighters and a little caffeine and I'm good to go, but cut out caffeine and make me deal with my parents and brother... frick I'm screwed!

I've been substitute teaching at my old high school next week is elementry... then I'm going to Anchorage with my dad, doing who knows what, but I'm sure it will be boring. I'll get a ton of reading done though!! I've been reading a lot lately which has been nice.

I'm putting everything from the normal blog on hold while I'm here, because I get really flakey internet here.

But notes to people will continue as needed.
To the person that keeps texting me: part of me wants you to stop... you're too far away and when you text me you know I fall for you everytime... the text messages goodnight are not good for my soul!
To the person that said they would text but hasn't: you wanted to keep this friendship going... lets see it happen, FRICK
To my Crazy Friend: you get my hopes up way too much.
To my calm friend... I need a hug from you... even though your hair smells funny.

yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with my roommate. It was really funny how it come up too, and made me realize the importance of honesty in a relationship, when compared with my other roommate.

one roommate tells me when I'm being an annoying jerk... we share stuff about our lives... we just talk, and I've realized that he is one of my closest friends.

The other one, I've tried so hard with, but he's just socially awkward...

So the conversation went like this:
Me: so are you interested in this girl?
S: no We're just friends
Me: that's too bad, she's cute and you'd be good together.
S: yeah but i'm not exactly dating material right now
Me: what do you mean?
S: well ever since i got my heart ripped out of my chest, torn into little pieces and walked all over, I haven't exactly been dating material. How about you though, why don't you go after her?
Me: I'm not exactly dating material...
S: oh how so
Me: I'm sort of an ass-hole
S: Dang, I wish I'd used that answer...

Highlight of my day: The zoo with some good friends. literally nothing better
lowpoint of the day: listening to one of my best friends talk about a stupid boy that is stupid.
accomplishment of the day: got some packing done.
irritation of the day: how much packing actually needs to get done.
notable happenings of the day: I got one of the best hugs of my life
Funny story of the day: at the zoo, frank, jaimee, and I went into the simplot education center, where you can learn what animal you're as tall as, or which animal you weigh as much as... (I'm in between a hyena and a tortoise, and taller than a flamingo but shorter than a rhino.) anyways there are costumes in there for little kids to dress up in, and these little girls give Frank the macaw costume and me the fruit bat costume. then the little girls (dressed as a hedgehog and a turtle) start (on all fours) ramming their heads into our ankles. It was quite uncomfortable, but when we moved, they chased us. I mean, what are you supposed to do with that? Where were these kid's mother?
I mean seriously people.

Also, tonight I got a compliment about my eyes... I got told that they were a beautiful deep blue.



Don't laugh.... That might be the best physical compliment I've gotten in a while....

That makes me think, The best personality comment I got was also today.
Joelle told me that it is just in my nature to take care of people, and that people realize that about me.

I like that too.

"what happened last night" "last night you had friends"

Two people once comforted me as I sat in a car, crying my eyes out, wondering why I was on the face of the planet. I don't know what happened since then, but I wish my relationship with those two people had never changed. Maybe it hasn't, maybe they're busy, but they both seem distant today... I guess I'm jumping to conclusions based off of a very short very stressful amount of time.

If they haven't changed, I hope they never do.

these are the things that make me the happiest:

"that really crushed you... and pissed me off. That was why the tears started coming...

You said "Fuck" a lot, and it made me happy. You called L____ _____ a fucker, and that made me really happy. [:


And you said that because ______ is not dating me, that makes him an asshole who doesn't know what he wants...

But every drunk comment has a pretty good root of truth, so I felt ridiculously loved."

"I am so sorry, Brandon. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. But know that you are not alone - you have friends, and me.

What a messed up, muddled up, shitty world. I'm sorry we have to live in it. But there are good times too. Don't forget.

Don't worry about it. Of course I'm going to be there for you."

"you can sort through this as you wish. But I'm always here for you, no matter what.
xoxoxox"

I have some of the best friends in the world.

why the fuck do I need anyone else.

also... is a blog just a big diary for everyone to read? WTF mate (f'ing kangaroos)

Highpoint: new clothes! i got a sweet new shirty/ light jacket (it can double as either) and a sweet pirate ship printed shirt... clothes make my day everytime
lowpoint: three finals in one day... brutal
accomplishment: impromptu presentation as a rhetoric final, i forgot to prepare, and still pulled out an A
irriatation: not knowing what goes too far.... don't want to end the friendship, but we apparently need boundaries.
notable happenings: I spent time with one of my best friends boyfriend, and it was nice to get to know him to the point where it is just understood that i'm not trying to creep on his girl.
funny story: my rhetoric speech included me talking about leading a revolution in morocco, becoming president of morocco, winning a nobel prize for literature, and being assassinated by a group of religious extremists. best presentation of the day, especially since I only referred to myself in the third person, and as haskins, and was the first humorous presentation of the day.

Good day following a bad

so today was pretty darn good...... it made my life not seem as hopeless.

Highpoint of the day: I went on a beautiful drive with Katie today... we went out around the lake, it had just rained, but the sun was shining, and everything had a glimmer to it that just reaffirmed the existence of beauty in this world. Plus it was one of those conversations, that was constantly interrupted by our own ADD... (and in our defense we did see a roadkill baby llama and a herd of buffalo). The drive led us to these docks on the lake where we sat and talked about everything that had happened in the past day, and how much our friendship had transformed with a single sentence. It was beautiful.
Lowpoint of the day: We had our final younglife leader meeting of the year, that wasn't sad. what was sad was that I agreed to do it again next year because I don't know how to say no.
Irritation of the day: never knowing the right thing to say
Accomplishment of the day: I finished my rhetoric paper!!
Notable happenings: I was feeling pretty stressed, realizing that I simply didn't have the time to do the talking i needed to do for my sanity, and the studying I needed to do for my education, and deciding that my mental health was more important, I was relieved to return home, check my e-mail, and discover that two people, realizing that I've been having a hard time, had e-mailed me completed study guides for two of my finals tomorrow. Literally saving me 3-4 hours and another night without sleep. Sometimes it really is hard to deny the existence of some higher power that cares.
Funny story of the day: me and the other wyldlife leaders went to out middle school today, and outside was this single huge patch of snow/hail, just sitting completley alone, like a perfect gift from God, knowing exactly what I needed. The three of us had an impromptu snowball fight for about 30 minutes, during which we got completley soaked. How often do you get the chance to have a snowball fight in 60 degree weather in shorts and a t-shirt?

well

first off, let me say... if you read this, comment.. my last three blogs have gotten no comments, which is somewhat disheartening.

Today was not a good day... I'm up at three in the morning crying my eyes out because i feel like i unintentionally hurt a good friend.

there was no highpoint in my day... just bad points... each bad point slightly out badding the previous... now it's three in the morning and i'm still crying.. only not physically... i've run out of tears...

i never thought there was any validity to that statement until now.

christian schools suck... they push people towards romantic relationship that shouldn't exist... and in the past week I've experienced too many examples of the truth behind that statement.

I'm not too short
It's NOT you, it's me
I'm not in the wrong here....

i just need comfort... physical hugs..

The wisdom of Avenue Q

In the broadway musical Avenue Q there is a song called "Fine, Fine, Line" The wisdom of the song has become increasingly evident in my life this past week, and thus I though I would share it here.
lyrics:

There's a fine fine line
between a lover and a friend
There's a fine fine line
between reality and pretend
and you never know until you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb
but there's a fine fine line between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine fine line
between a fairy tale and a lie
There's a fine fine line
between your wonderful and goodbye
i guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
but There's a fine fine line between love,
and a waste of your time

and i don't have the time to waste on you anymore
i don't even think that you know what your looking for
for my own sanity I've gotta close the door
and walk away

There's a fine fine line
between together and not
There's a fine fine line
between what you wanted and what you got
you gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime
There's a fine fine line
between love
and waste of time.

so those are the lyrics... no explanation really... just wisdom I suppose.

Back from the former commies.

My roommate came home today.... Such the best thing ever

Highpoint of the day: I went on the social board final dinner, to PF Chang's. It was so amazing. First off, I was surrounded by amazing people that I invested so much time getting to know. I love those people. It was strange because I spent so much time getting to know them, but not in a friendship way, it was more of a business relationship... so to spend time with them and just get to be their friend was so nice. plus not to have been able to see them in an entire semester was so hard, so it was nice to see that we really had so much in common.

Lowpoint of the day: having to admit to my nonverbal class that i didn't do the reading because i got called out by the professor.

accomplishment of the day: I got the half of an arm off of the chair that i'm going to refurbish next semester... now I have this really cool one armed chair that I'm totally in love with. Now I just need to find the perfect paint and perfect fabric.

irritation of the day: I wish i knew the exact right way to express what I want to say.... but sometimes words just wouldn't work as well as punching someone in the face and while screaming your words hurt... or, figure these things out earlier.... or, when I say no, that doesn't mean tell someone I said yes.... (none of these are the right words to say, unless accompanied by the punch in the face.... the face punch replaces many words that just simply do not come to mind.)

notable happening of the day: I have my roommate back!! I've missed him.

Funny story of the day: today was not so funny.... wonderful, or irritating... but never funny.... I didn't laugh today...

I never thought it would end up like this.

one year and one week left...

I know it's a day late, but here's yesterday's entry:

so today a certain person told me "hey look! I dressed like you!" I look over and he is wearing a nice pair of jeans, button up shirt, fat 70's tie and gray vest. He looked nice, but I couldn't tell if he was making fun of me or not... so I looked at him and just said.. I would have rolled up the sleeves. He says "oh they were rolled up earlier, but it was cold so I rolled them down." and I said, If I were cold I would put on an overcoat. and then walked away.... I'm not sure how this was perceived, but it made me feel better.

Highpoint of the Day: watching slumdog millionaire with jess.
lowpoint of the day: getting a 2 bloody noses in the morning, and missing 2 classes and chapel because of it.
accomplishment of the day: a bomb presentation in media systems!
irritation of the day: senate.... senators are stupid
no funny story
notable happenings: I got an internship! back home, doing counseling at the school and then working with Sitka Fine Arts Camp! I'm super excited... now I just need to find a job.

interesting day...

apparently when I do something, I do it balls to the wall...

Highpoint of the day... the days started blending together... very little sleep this week.
Lowpoint of the day... Brittney canceled on coffee I hate it when people cancel on me.
Accomplishment of the day... kinda continues the something I did yesterday. I feel like I now have this sort of inner circle... the people closest to me... I'm loving it.
Irritation of the day... Stressed out people keep taking it out on me... next person is going to get snapped back at. bring it fools.
notable happenings... first class council meeting... Jake was pretty condescending to me... I invite him to bring it... because when i start speaking my mind, it's not a good thing.
Funny story of the day... The best laugh came from a talk I had with brittney... she told me about a friend getting hit on

Whoa... no sleep, yet best day ever...

In the past two hours I have had two of the best conversations of my life. One was awkward, one was fun... and both appropriately took place in the rain. How Hillary Duff of me...

So to Categorize my day:
Accomplishment of the day: honesty. plain and simple never felt better and I've never laughed harder
Irritation of the day: Being told that I'm too short.... I might be too short, but you're an inconsiderate a-hole. All the while, I'm glad we'll still be friends, cause I'm an A-hole too.
Highpoint of the Day: Walking in silence... knowing it's okay
Lowpoint of the day:realizing that the Virgin Mary didn't have free will....
Notable happenings: I stayed up all night, and still made it to every single one of my classes.
Funny thing: Joelle is not friends with sprinklers.

So remember that update

well here it is!!! yipee!!!
Today was a pretty good day overall... got some things done, and now I only have... oh yeah that's right, a buttload more stuff to do. So... here's my game plan.
these are the things I need to do:
Draft a constitution for the drama club on behalf of Dr. Allen (due by next wendsday's senate)
Write my Media Lit Final Paper (by Monday)
Write my Rhetoric Final paper (due next Friday)
Write three chapter responses for Rhetoric (due at different times depending on chapters I do)
Write my non-verbal Final paper (due during the final on may 7th)

So I will spend today and tomorrow working on my media paper and whatever doesn't get done will be worked on Sunday.
Saturday I'm going to craters of the moon national park, and will take my rhetoric book with me and read the three shortest chapters that we haven't gone over, and figure out how to milk 4-7 pages out of each of them, and write those saturday and sunday
I will spend all of next week on my rhetoric final paper
and finals week will be dedicated to my non-verbal paper in between studying for exams.

and somewhere in all of this i will draft that constitution..... somewhere.....

I feel like I have so much to do... The list is a lot smaller than it used to be, but that is still almost 40 pages minimum that I have to write. When the list first started there were 12 things on the list, with over 60 pages to write. I can't do this to myself next year.

anyhoo... here we go...
Highpoint of the day: Finding out that I got a position on the crusader for next year. I'm really excited about that. I need to come up with story ideas and such!
Lowpoint of the day: thinking, wow I really got a lot done with cleaning of my room, then realizing that I really just shoved everything in boxes.
Accomplishment of the day: I got my philosophy paper done... 9 pages on how nonverbal communication proves that the soul does not exist.... It was really fun to argue, plus it's all nonverbally
irritation of the day: pictures that i put on my wall keep falling down today.

and introducing two new catagories:
notable happening(s): I got my recycling club t-shirt today, which I am in love with.
Funny thing: today in nonverbal we were playing truth or lie, and for my statement I chose, "I was not wearing underwear during class on Tuesday". this was a truth, because it was laundry day monday and I'd left my load of socks and underwear in the washing maching and forgot to switch them over... so anyways, we decide to play a second round and i choose to say "I am not wearing underwear today" when it comes around to me during the time to reveal I say "truth", and it continues around the circle.... then the presenters for class that day start giving their presentation and I realize, I meant to say LIE!! so now my entire nonverbal class thinks i never wear underwear.

so, the weekend

despite sneezing and hating the fact that i can't stop, the weekend was really really good. oh and I got a text that pretty much made my life... Joelle texted me and said she missed me. Best thing to say ever.
Peer mentor car wash... that was fun
lots of sun
hanging with bobango

just a good weekend.

Tonight will be an update... hopefully

Okay God, You win...

almost immediatley after posting the last post, I realized how wearing a sweater really was the highlight of my day.... no matter what happened, I kept thinking, "but hey, at least I'm in a sweater"

Silly God... Silly silly God

Shit better improve soon....

I guess I'm full of pity party-ness lately... Like is my fashion though, I try not to show it...






I'm so in fashion




that was a joke

that is all for the night. No highpoint, no lowpoint, no accomplishment, no irritation.... just a day... another terrible terrible day

but i did wear a sweater, which was nice. I'm becoming a fan of the sweater..... the sweater vest has yet to make a lasting impression however.

headed to bed...

I'm heading to bed in hopes that it will help this bad day end sooner...

highpoint of the day:
Making some really good points in nonverbal class, thus reaffirming that nonverbal communication is my calling
Lowpoint of the day:
my mom had a diabetic seizure while i was on the phone with her, which was hard because i couldn't do anything to help.... I had to call my dad to get him to go find her...
Accomplishment of the day:
I got a ton of homework done, and with the exception of one paper, I'm entirely caught up
Irritation of the day:
In a meeting today, I learned that people in student development think that I have a drinking problem, and that this drinking problem is so great that I shouldn't hold a leadership position...

goodnight moon.... goodnight day... goodnight cold...

tomorrow will be a better day... it has to be

Worst life ever...

This might be the most emo thing to say, but everyone is letting me down recently. Friends, family, God, myself... just keep dropping the ball. This year just needs to end now.

Next year might not be better.

Are allowed to make mid-April resolutions?
-I'll give myself to those friends that need me, but not the ones that take me for granted
-I'll focus
-I'll go on walks... with people I care about... and know about their lives!
-I won't spend time looking in the mirror, wondering if some stupid girl will find me attractive if I wear my hair a dorky way... I'll just wear my hair the dorky way.
-I'll eat more fruit
-I'll be more independent

I feel pathetic... luckily only two of you read this....

short and sweet

highpoint:
beating Grant in four games of pool
lowpoint:
not doing anything the rest of the day
accomplishment:
getting a little bit of cleaning done
irritation:
four of my closest friends chose to sleep in the sun over going to wal-mart with me, so I had to go alone, and I hat doing things by myself....

sooo back into this after too long away

Highpoint:
Campus clean up with good friends.... climbing the grate on elijah drain to fish out garbage and feeling like a monkey

Accomplishment of the day:
Figuring out who I will be living with next year. Drew, and potentially chris davis and kyle blazer....

lowpoint of the day:
realizing that i once again slept in until noon, and haven't gotten any homework done this weekend

irritation of the day:
having a night where we didn't do anything.... come on people... lets go!

welcome to my life...

wow.

So I've been working down my wardrobe. I went from 9 hats down to 2. I was so proud of myself! My two favorite hats, one that i got from a some hippie in haight-ashbury in san francisco, which reminds me of that trip... a trip that literally changed my life, and the other made for me by an ex-girlfriend/best friend. I was super proud of myself for limiting myself to this. Goodbye orange trucker hat, #1 grandpa hat, black beanie, green beanie, and others. Then today happened. Roommate was looking through his hats and said "I love this hat, it's one of my favorites, but it doesn't fit me right, so I thought you might like it". I've always been jealous of this hat... ALWAYS!! even when i saw him in it last year, I thought to myself, I should get a hat like that...




So I took it.....
I feel somewhat bad...
I mean this is exactly the opposite of what I was doing...
and I can't bring myself to replace one of my hats with this one....
So I now have 3 hats..

151 things...

wow... only 151 things, I was surprised when i first noticed the number. When i first made my list I only had 47 things, but then i realized i was being a little too nice to myself (things with pages, probably isn't that great of a category item, neither is mugs or "art"). I am letting some things slide, like things i will throw away at the end of the year, and i'm not sure if text books should count under books, school supplies or another category. I also haven't gone through my clothes, or whatever items might be underneath all the clothes... I still have quite the journey ahead of me I suppose.

100 things...

Today I made the final decision to do something I've though about for quite some time. Today I started the 100 thing challenge. I'm officially starting the process to limit myself to 100 possessions. It sounds pretty extreme, until you realize that all of things count as categories, and thus one thing, (i.e. toiletries, shirts, shoes... all can be one item.) then it all sounds a lot more managable, but it is still really really hard.
I mean some things are really hard to give up, even though they are completely unnecessary. Momentos of times with friends, artwork friends made me, stupid thing I made myself.. they all are really hard to give up. So far today I've given away all of my dvds, all of my journals (I tore out the pages I'd written on), a couple books, my peace sign ice cube tray and my lamp.
Also, I decided that this should effect my wardrobe in some way too... so starting tomorrow I'm cutting my wardrobe by 25%... I'm pretty excited for that actually... it will be hard, but worth it in the end I hope.
So wish my luck on this little endeavor.

vindictive

I'm vindictive by nature... I keep thinking of mean things to do to the stupid girl that turned my birthday from great to bad...

-Ramen seasoning in her shampoo
- change her firefox to where every single video she watches on youtube become the rick roll'd video
- ask "did you dye your hair lately, oh you didn't... weird... it just looks drier than normal"
- mail her a box of poop
-Have Rex steal a kiss from her after he has smoked a pack of cigarettes.
-get that free llama off craigslist and put it in her room.
-send a postsecret in with her picture (eyes blackened out but still obvious to her) that says " I knew I had aids, but still had sex with her

and these are the nicer ones.....
I am only writing this in an attempt to calm down... although... i do like the postsecret one..

Long week...

Soo... wow... life is dumb sometimes, but today was a busy yet unproductive day.
Today included;
Lunch with my brother (who apparently was an uber stoner)
Brownies from Dr. Allen
a meeting with Gene Schandorff where we discussed community
The costume room with Matt
Going to Rex's Shack
Going to Godspell
Hanging out with crazy girl

Highlight of the day:
Seeing Jo in Godspell. She did amazing, and I'm just so proud of her. I fall more and more in love with that girl every day (and that is friendship love, not romantic love)

Accomplishment of the Day:
making it over to Rex's for the first time... I left smelling like cigarette smoke and butt, but he is so entertaining, and I just love his easy going nature. Despite his being a complete screw up, he is a good egg.

Irritation of the Day:
Finding really sweet shoes at Ross that were in the clearance section which made them only 15 bucks, but finding out someone had just put them there, and they actually cost thirty and weren't marked down...

Lowpoint of the day:
Being so very very tired, all day long


Today I relaized that I turned out so much better than my brother. My brother is alcoholic rascist stoner scum... I love him, but he is. I like to think that I'm none of those things... I mean I don't use the N word, never have really gotten beligerantly drunk, and haven't smoked weed since my junior year of high school (4 years as of April 1st... maybe I should have a party).

I also sent a really mean E-mail out today, that thankfully I retracted four hours later, without anyone reading it. I love the retract feature.

Persuasion

I love this class.

The Game....

The name of the game is Only Nerds touch the door.
Here are the rules:
You can not touch doors with any part of your body, even by accident.
You must enter buildings without touching the door.
If you are playing with a group, whenever one of the people touches the door, you must call them a nerd. If you are playing by yourself you must call yourself a nerd in your head.
Also... the game never really ends, and you can play it whenever you want

It's really fun

Lazy sunday

Today was Jo's birthday... I love that girl.
I never actually got an invite to her party... I just happened to run into Drew who was headed over that way....
While we were there, Karissa and I developed a game... the nickname game... basically you and another person take turns shouting different words, four words for each person present... that becomes their nickname... mine is blue silly duck candy, Kissa's is Asian mouse adopted squinty... It was a fun game...

Highpoint: Playing the nickname game
Lowpoint: not getting invited to the party...
Accomplishment of the day: Dumpster diving, making a calander for the month, and finishing my ChaCha guide test
Irritation of the day: Yet again, getting cancelled on by people.... It's kind of a recent trend

I ate all the gumballs in my gumball machine today...

Things I'm not a fan of today:

• vague messages
• over analyzing things
• games where you make fun of people
• dumb girls

Things I am a fan of today:

• dumpster diving (i turns everyday around!)
• flashlights for dumpster diving (it was a first)
• calanders
• Hard candy (both the food and the movie, and the irony of both together)
  

i feel like i have forgotten today

So I came to do my highpoint lowpoint update, that I've told myself i would try to do everyday... I can't remember much of what happened today, except that I love Dr. Allen, I learned that people will never stop having babies, I made eye contact with wheatly which scared me poopless, being kicked off SGA may have been the best thing to ever happen to me, and today was the worst day for dumpster diving I have ever experienced.

with all of that, you think I could remember what to put for Highpoint lowpoint etc.... but I can't... I really really can't...

except lowpoint:
Crying in the Katie's apartment over something that normally would not have bothered me... I don't know why it did bother me actually...

sweet nothings

Today was a good day... on a scale from one to ten.... 6... which in a world of 3's that's amazing.

Highpoint:
Seeing Kylee at the M and setting up a time to hang out with her... I really love that girl. I also loved hanging out with Jess, because we can do absolutley nothing, and it just makes me really happy!

Accomplishment of the day:
designing an outfit to match with something I saw on the satiriorilist, and having it work really well.
I got compliments.... on my vest over hoodie combo

lowpoint of the day:
crazy girl and the ceramics room... don't degrade me any more!

irritation of the day:
the cha cha guide website takes so long to load!!

Hey... I'm making a routine of it

Highpoint:
Drug induced dreams!! well... natural herb induced dreams... and not the herbs you're thinking either!! It's been years since I was anywhere near those kind of herbs. I took some stuff to help rid me of my insomnia, and it gives the best dreams ever!! sadly I can't use it every night because it made me sleep for 12 hours
Accomplishment of the Day:
Do I really have to say anything? I slept for 12 hours!
Lowpoint of the day:
not hanging out with a single person all day long... not only did I have people cancel on me, I forgot I had plans, so I had to cancel on someone, but then it started raining so my plans got cancelled! FML!!
Irritation of the day:
not being able to focus and spending the entire day doing homework in my apt.

Lent is coming.. phat tuesday anyone?

So today i got really excited for lent... i haven't decided what I'm going to give up, but I want to make it something hard, that will also help me out a bit... like giving up something unhealthy...

Highpoint of the day:
Watching the girls Bball team beat UAA... not actually the highlight... the highlight was when Christa brought me gatorade from the team's water bucket thing... that was legit

accomplishment of the day:
Leaving my phone at home! I went a full 12 hours without it! I was completely with those that I was physically with... which is so rare

Lowpoint of the day:
not knowing who i really am...

Irritation of the day:
because i left my phone at home, I missed out on a lot of fun things to do with my night....

So this is for yesterday

Yesterday seemed to take forever!! I didn't do much, and people cancelled on me a lot! three coffee dates, a movie and an invite to a bonfire all cancelled on me... so I ended up watching the village with crazy girl. I hate that.

Highpoint of the Day:
Discovering that other people see irritating things in the same people that I see irritating things in.

Accomplishment of the day:
painting the self that i needed to paint for so long

Lowpoint of the day:
having sarah cancel our coffee date..

irritation of the day:
having crazy girl take little shots at me, and having to resist making them back, so that I don't seem mean and bitter...

The power of positive thinking...

I am not a focused person...
I get depressed really easily...
But today... I decided to ignore those things. I decided to be happy... and though it was hard at times, I think I really was happy. I decided to get stuff done, and while I didn't get everything I wanted done, I do think I made some improvements.

Highpoint of the Day:
Coffee and coloring, or laughing at awkward girls playing basketball

Accomplishment of the day:
Doing things that I needed to do for Wyldlife

Lowpoint of the day:
Not being able to ask questions that I really want answers to.

Irritation of the day:
play practice: first I spaced practice, so i showed up 15 minutes late, with a bloody toe (that I'm not sure how I got, only to find out that my scene no longer takes place inside Algenon's swanky cafe, but outside Algenon's cafe... which set things up strangely... as most of my lines are me announcing people as the come into the cafe or what not... so now I was announcing people and bringing them outside from inside the cafe... which I had to point out to the director... who then changed it to them walking up along the street... which means I'm announcing people's entrances when they are already there, and it is just me noticing them, and saying oh look there is that person... pay attention to them... DUMBEST PLAY EVER!!! sorry.. no... just direction that is more focused on being innovative rather than practical.

Nana... I'm pretty sure you are correcting my grammar in your head aren't you.

I don't know what to say...

My newt is gone... I looked in his cage just now, and he is not there... Jason seemed angry.

Are you there God...

"It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions." -Randy K. Milholland

I've been in a real struggle with God lately, and last night the dorm chapel really spoke to me. I'm not sure if I could ever tell those girls what an impact they had on me, but they really did.
But here is the story:
This summer I lived in a van basically with a handful of other people. I learned different things from different people, and was inspired to do different things by each of these people. One of the things I started doing was collecting quotes that meant something to me... which is funny, because I constantly teased the person that this was inspired by about her quote obsession...

Anyways, last night the girls that spoke kept repeating the same phrase; "If your plans aren't God's plans, be willing to change". This really hit me... So I went to write this down in my collection, and I put it right under another quote.... One I don't remember writing down, and don't know why I wrote it... but It too hit me really hard. The quote was "Remember tonight.. for it is the beginning of always"...... I think that was God a little bit... and I'm sorry God, but all I have to say to that..... craaap....

I don't want to deal with your plans right now God. I really don't. I'm not done being angry at you! I don't care what you want from me... I prayed for her every single day for four damn years and you just took that away from me... everyone says that you can't know where her heart was with you when she died, and she might have accepted you and realized that she needed you... I'm sorry... she died of a drug overdose... and I know what she believed... I think I can make some pretty safe assumptions...

I'm not In love with you God... I'm not in love period... Love is very much displaced from me right now. If I ever get there.. well.. you will be the first to know I suppose.

sidenote... I'm a dork..

I'm really excited to fall asleep on my couch watching dark angel... What a ridiculous show...

This is my life.... when do I start living it?

The hardest part about dreaming about someone you are in love with, is waking up and deciding, deciding if you should smile because you are friends, or cry because that's all you'll ever be. The worst is being fully and completley aware, that the fault lies fully and completley with myself. I could try harder, I could be more direct, I could stop worrying about what she might say and look her in the eyes and say "so what's going on here, and can there be something more here...:

I could say any of these things... but I never will... I can't... how sad is that? I mean I'm fully capable of walking up to a complete stranger, and asking a favor, but when it comes to telling a girl I'm interested I'm a complete buffoon...


Also, against everything I thought I knew about myself, I realized that my biggest aspiration in life currently is to be a father... of a little boy, and to, for at least one person, be the funniest silliest person in the entire world. I can't wait to push a shopping cart through the grocery store and make silly faces at the little boy looking back at me. To see some huge smile come across his face and him to lift his chubby little hands to cover his mouth as he lets out some enormous giggle.... My imaginary son is a pretty legit little dude.....

Today really has been quite the day... quite the day...

Highlight of my day...

The wireless in the science lecture hall actually works....

So true... also add people holding open doors, or people buying me coffee with their perk credit

My day was sort of ruined...

So the day started out great... waking up at 11, skipping church, trying a new conditioner... It really just had all the workings of a fabulous day. I made a pot of coffee, and danced around my apartment listening to my ipod. Then I cut out some fake mustaches and got decked out looking like the Fonz, because it was the younglife volleyball-a-palooza, which was awesome. Basically all the younglife/wyldlife leaders in the treasure valley got together and ate nachos and played volleyball. The only catch was that each club had to come in a different theme. There were rockers, hippies, harry potter, lumberjacks, buisness professionals and some weird dinosaurs things.... Our group came under the theme of Mustaches and headbands in the 80's... It was pretty awesome... So after Volleyball I went dress shopping with my valentines banquet date. This is where my day took a turn for the worst. I discovered that forever 21 has a guys section!! You'd think this was a highlight, but because of struggling financial times, and the fact that I go through money worse then a middle aged trophy wife, my bank account is currently at $5... And what must forever 21 do to me? they must create the most perfect vest in the history of man-kind.... and then price it just withing reach... $9.... thats right... if I hadn't bought crazy girl a cup of coffee last week, I could be sporting a super sexy purple vest right now... Oh crazy girl... when will my time with you stop punishing me?

on another note... I lost my glasses... I'm pretty sure they are in crazy girl's car.... DUMB!!

My new favorite website...

http://thisisindexed.com

My life... be like...

This picture pretty much sums up my life... Except add some crazy girl off to the side, that actually got hit by one of the arrows... Then that would be my life... Hey!! Girl on the Couch!!! I'd like you to come sit closer to me and stuff!!

Other recent happenings include.... I think I just got dumped. This is actually pretty funny, because I WASN'T DATING ANYONE!!! In fact, I had no intention of ever dating this person, nor could I ever date this person... So how did I get dumped you may be asking yourself. Well, it played out like this, a girl and I had a DTR where she said she wanted a relationship and i said fine as long as that relationship was limited to a friendship, which was agreed upon. So keeping with my end of the bargain, I treated her just like I would any of my other friends. I was sarcastic, I teased a lot, I called with random ideas of things to do. Then today she texts me and asks if I am trying to push her away... I'm sorry, but WTF? She accused me of being insincere and emotionally unavailable. She also said I didn't support her in her times of need. I'm sorry, but I put off homework for two entire days when her grandpa went to the hospital, I spent two entire days with this girl, while she was in a strange emotional state... but you know I didn't put enough into the friendship... Meanwhile, I have my own problems to deal with, but they have to be put on the back burner, while I deal with this dumb girl.... Yes... Dumb girl. Oh and in case the stupid Bitch ever reads this... You said, that I wasn't communicating effectivly and that Comm classes have taught you that.... I'M A COMM MAJOR TOO!! I KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I'M DOING, AND YOU ARE AN IRRATIONAL HUMAN BEING!......

sucks to be Switzerland....

“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality” -Dante Alighieri

In other new...

I still don't have a girlfriend... and girls that I have no interest in take up too much of my time...
That sucks...

John Locke... not the one from lost...

" the candle that is set up in us shines bright enough for all our purposes. the discoveries we can make with this ought to satisfy us." -John Locke

I love this quote!

I wish I'd known this quote when I took Theology. Why do we try to understand God, when God imparted us with a certain amount of understanding... an understanding that could not possibly attain an understanding of God. yet does that understanding ever satisfy us?

I want a sarcastic God..

So recently I've been reading the book of Job, and have really been enjoying it. Especially towards the end, when Job is talking with God, and Job is quite angry with God, and for some pretty good reasons, I mean he has been stripped of everything. First I love that Job is Angry with God, you really don't see enough of that in the bible, or at least I don't think you do. The part that comforts me in this is that rather than God yelling at job, God allows Job to be angry! I love that!

Then there is a part a couple chapters later when Job, in his anger, starts getting self righteous. He basically tells God that he doesn't deserve all this crap God gave him, To which God replies "Tell me, in your great wisdom, where you were when the earth's foundation was laid, Surely in you wisdom you know how the dimensions were marked." God continues on like this for a good couple chapters... just full of sarcasm with God being almost like, oh yeah... you know the answer to this right... oh you don't... huh... that's weird... I thought you would... you know because you're all wise and everything...

All this to say, I love a sarcastic God.... Now if I could only get this God to wear a vest.....

Stuff I like right now:

1. Status updates!
2. dry erase markers
3. buying way too many Valentines
4. urban outfitters
5. French vanilla creamer
6. World of Goo on the roomate's Wii
7. finding things to do instead of spending lots of money
   

Stuff I don't like right now:

1. not finishing all my homework
2. spending too much time with one person
3. getting dumb parts in the school play
4. my new alarm clock
   

Girls....

When girls decided to act like guys, why don't they ever decide to act like the nice guys

To all the girls that I've ever screwed over, or made think there was something, when there wasn't; I'm sorry.

If this is any consolation, for every one of you, there is a girl that made me think there was something when there wasn't.

I guess Rob is right. Girls and guys really can't have a strictly platonic relationship.