Are you there God...

"It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions." -Randy K. Milholland

I've been in a real struggle with God lately, and last night the dorm chapel really spoke to me. I'm not sure if I could ever tell those girls what an impact they had on me, but they really did.
But here is the story:
This summer I lived in a van basically with a handful of other people. I learned different things from different people, and was inspired to do different things by each of these people. One of the things I started doing was collecting quotes that meant something to me... which is funny, because I constantly teased the person that this was inspired by about her quote obsession...

Anyways, last night the girls that spoke kept repeating the same phrase; "If your plans aren't God's plans, be willing to change". This really hit me... So I went to write this down in my collection, and I put it right under another quote.... One I don't remember writing down, and don't know why I wrote it... but It too hit me really hard. The quote was "Remember tonight.. for it is the beginning of always"...... I think that was God a little bit... and I'm sorry God, but all I have to say to that..... craaap....

I don't want to deal with your plans right now God. I really don't. I'm not done being angry at you! I don't care what you want from me... I prayed for her every single day for four damn years and you just took that away from me... everyone says that you can't know where her heart was with you when she died, and she might have accepted you and realized that she needed you... I'm sorry... she died of a drug overdose... and I know what she believed... I think I can make some pretty safe assumptions...

I'm not In love with you God... I'm not in love period... Love is very much displaced from me right now. If I ever get there.. well.. you will be the first to know I suppose.