I will not cry... I cannot cry... Fuck pregnancy complications... I just want to be the cool uncle that gets to fill the little kid full of caffeine and send them home.

Screw this.

I'm growing up...

Yesterday I got up from class and went to the bathroom... I didn't really need to go to the bathroom, but I wasn't focusing and needed to refocus. As I walked down to the drinking fountain I felt so responsible. I realized that I wasn't focusing and did what I needed to in order to take car of that... I got my drink and slowly walked back to class, opened the door and stepped quietly inside. That is when I realized that there was only one person in the classroom that I knew, and that this room was definitely not my class. Anyone that goes to my school knows that the doors are generally in the front of the class, so everyone was staring at me. The best part of this was, it just didn't bother me... so I went and sat down. This was probably pretty dumb of me... Then the prof asked if he could help me and I just said... oh I'm not in this class, got up, and proceeded to the correct class.

It was a weird experience but one of my favorites.

I felt like I had control. I felt very adult.

I try...
I try for you
I try hard
I try to make you smile
I try to get you to notice me
I try not to hate you
I try to please you
I try to give you what you want


I fail... at almost everything


but only when it comes to you


I'm guessing it's not my problem...

This is the kind of genius I hope to be one day.

Photo by berett

I'm back in a blogging sorta way...

I'm sorry...
I hope...
I wish you understood...
I wish you would...
I hope I am...
I'm glad you are...
I hate that you...


I'm sorry... that I'm not who/what you were going to have getting into this...
I hope... that when you followed me to across the Wal-Mart parking lot, that it meant as much to you as it did to me.
I wish you understood... That I was a very confused boy at the end of last semester, and who I said I was is not who I am.
I wish you would...stop talking about me...
I hope I am... really doing as good of a job as you say I am doing.
I'm glad that you are... enjoying the fact I'm trying for you.
I hate that you... can laugh at my jokes that aren't funny, remark with some witty comment and make me wish that I wasn't deeply terrified of you.


Yet again, I'm becoming a craaaazzzy person... Why does this always happen to me when I come to school... It's 3:00AM... my chair covers are in the dryer and have about 20 minutes left... then it is bed, to get up at 7-ish, get ready for freshman class retreat, and head off to a weekend full of freshman-ness. The PM part of me is excited for the relationships, the reporter part of me is hoping for an amazing story, but the Brandon in me... the part of me I kind of hate, really wants to ditch out on this whole weekend, and enjoy three days of glory.

A couch, a couple bookshelves, and an entertainment center and my apartment will be complete.... that day will be magical.

It's been about two months since my last blogpost... I feel like I'm slacking in some way. I'm not ready for this school year to start. I'm not excited for anything that will happen this year, but I'm dedicated to what I'm doing. Working for the Newspaper has started to become somewhat aggravating already, not because of the actual work, but because no one wants to talk... Being a Peer Mentor has started to become a challenge and it's only the first day of school... I'm hoping things start to look up here soon. I need to find a job. I need to start focusing. I need to unpack. I need to do so many things, but I don't even know where to start. I need focus. I need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

The other day I found out that a stupid person started spreading rumors about me and was using those rumors to try to get me removed from my peer mentor job... seriously, what the hell is with people and trying to take me out of positions of leadership... I apparently have to fight for everything. I hate that. Apparently working hard to be good at what you do isn't good enough but I have to battle dumb bitches the entire way... I'm too vindictive to be a good person... So far I've had to be talked down four times from doing something absolutley a-holish, more a-hole than I have ever been before... and That is saying something.

I hate this school sometimes...

and I'm alone here somehow... I don't know what I did so wrong...