tired tired tired

I’m not happy with how things in my life are going right now. Maybe I’m just not a happy person. I feel as if my happiness is like a candle and everyone around me is armed with one of those water cannons from the carnival… the ones that you use to shoot in the mouth of the clowns to blow up the balloon…
I think the worst part is that I’m okay with that.
Last night I filled out the transfer application to Nevada state. I know it’s stupid, I know I should think through this more, but things just aren’t that good right now… not at NNU, not at home, not in life in general, and I’ve screwed up enough of my relationships that I’m not worried about leaving the rest. The ones that matter will remain I’m sure.
I think I’m just grasping at straws, trying to keep something good in my life.
I know the next five years of my life don’t exactly look to hot, and after graduation this year, some shit is going to hit the fan… and I’m going to have to deal with a lot, and going to Nevada might just mean creating enough of a new life and a strong enough support to make sure that I can get through everything… and get through it all in a healthy way.
Dr. Allen is going to KILL me. Absolutely KILL me.
I just want to escape… that’s probably part of it, and I know that isn’t healthy, and isn’t a way to start this thing in a healthy way.
I know better than this.
I’ve studied relationships and communication enough to know that this isn’t healthy.
But I think it might be what I have to do.
I don’t know how to tell my parents, my friends or those others that I am close to.
I need to go to the zoo…
In all of this though… there is a part of me that says no… part of me that says I know what I need to do.
I need to say no, I need to finish up school where I’m at. Stick with my friends and make a support out of that.
Part of me that says I need to settle down to.
Need to find some nice girl, accept that, and make my parents happy… get married, have a family, get a job, and live the GD American dream…
But along with that goes so many things that I lose… things that just seem to be calling to me
The peacecorp
Grad school
World travel
And so many things that go along with it. So many things that seem to be quintessentially me, those are the things I lose.
Losing those things doesn’t especially bother me, which is what scares me the most… could I be wrong about this? That sentence is the most important in this entire thing… could I be wrong? Some of you will get it… some of you won’t

I just wrote... lets not talk about that...

I guess that I’m not exactly the most decisive person in the world… I take forever to make any decision. I know that this sounds normal, but it’s getting to the point where I’m questioning everything. Yesterday, I spent thirty minutes deciding if it was too late in the day to eat breakfast. When I finally decided that it wasn’t too late to eat breakfast I spent another 20 minutes deciding what to eat… then when I finally decided what to have I decided that now it was too late in the day to eat breakfast. Then I started planning lunch and by the time I had it all prepared and ready to go it was two hours later… and I made top ramen… so not exactly a ground breaking decision.

Now I’m realizing that I’m starting to double guess decisions that I’ve made in the past. I hate that. Because what is done is done, ya know? But of course not for me…. I’m just not in a complacent mood lately.

In other news… I want to plan a wedding. I mean, when I was social VP I planned all sorts of stuff, and the one thing I was looking forward to planning that I never got to, was the Valentine’s banquet. I had so much of that banquet planned, and it was going to look gorgeous, but of course none of it happened… but I was so excited for it.

I have a lot of my wedding planned already… which I’m sure it’s weird, but I do. I have the cake planned, the centerpieces, the colors… everything. I’m just not sure that it is a “guy” thing, but a lot of it isn’t my fault. Most of my plans come from my exchange to France, one of the girls on the trip was going to get married, and had brought a bunch of bridal magazines, so the other girls decided to help plan my wedding, and we got down to it… I guess most of my wedding has little quirks that are so “me”… like buttons, or pins, whatever you want to call them... one for each member of the bridal party, set on the bridal party table.

I’m excited for that….

We’re going to have ducks in my wedding. Ducks in a wagon… pulled by the ring bearer and flower girl.

And orchids.. or anemones… anemones are fricken gorgeous.

this one is for you

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum

my new motto

don't let the batards get you down.

soo... in other news... life is good

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I'm an inadequate person...
I'm sorry I can't be everything you want me to be...
I'm sorry I hung up on you...
I'm sorry there are things that I can't tell you...
I'm sorry that boys are confusing to you...
I'm sorry this isn't how you wanted me to turn out..

but...

You expect what can't happen
I try really hard
You can't say things like that to me
you've made it to where I'm scared of you
you fall for boys because you want to take care of them
according to everyone you respect, it's really your fault..

now if only i could say those things to the people they need to be said too...

I guess I'm just too scared of people.... i didn't think I would ever be this scared of people...

but there is one difference.... I'm not letting these things affect my relationships with these people.

I am more exhausted in Sitka Alaska then I have ever been at school... Ever.

Seriously give me all nighters and a little caffeine and I'm good to go, but cut out caffeine and make me deal with my parents and brother... frick I'm screwed!

I've been substitute teaching at my old high school next week is elementry... then I'm going to Anchorage with my dad, doing who knows what, but I'm sure it will be boring. I'll get a ton of reading done though!! I've been reading a lot lately which has been nice.

I'm putting everything from the normal blog on hold while I'm here, because I get really flakey internet here.

But notes to people will continue as needed.
To the person that keeps texting me: part of me wants you to stop... you're too far away and when you text me you know I fall for you everytime... the text messages goodnight are not good for my soul!
To the person that said they would text but hasn't: you wanted to keep this friendship going... lets see it happen, FRICK
To my Crazy Friend: you get my hopes up way too much.
To my calm friend... I need a hug from you... even though your hair smells funny.

yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with my roommate. It was really funny how it come up too, and made me realize the importance of honesty in a relationship, when compared with my other roommate.

one roommate tells me when I'm being an annoying jerk... we share stuff about our lives... we just talk, and I've realized that he is one of my closest friends.

The other one, I've tried so hard with, but he's just socially awkward...

So the conversation went like this:
Me: so are you interested in this girl?
S: no We're just friends
Me: that's too bad, she's cute and you'd be good together.
S: yeah but i'm not exactly dating material right now
Me: what do you mean?
S: well ever since i got my heart ripped out of my chest, torn into little pieces and walked all over, I haven't exactly been dating material. How about you though, why don't you go after her?
Me: I'm not exactly dating material...
S: oh how so
Me: I'm sort of an ass-hole
S: Dang, I wish I'd used that answer...

Highlight of my day: The zoo with some good friends. literally nothing better
lowpoint of the day: listening to one of my best friends talk about a stupid boy that is stupid.
accomplishment of the day: got some packing done.
irritation of the day: how much packing actually needs to get done.
notable happenings of the day: I got one of the best hugs of my life
Funny story of the day: at the zoo, frank, jaimee, and I went into the simplot education center, where you can learn what animal you're as tall as, or which animal you weigh as much as... (I'm in between a hyena and a tortoise, and taller than a flamingo but shorter than a rhino.) anyways there are costumes in there for little kids to dress up in, and these little girls give Frank the macaw costume and me the fruit bat costume. then the little girls (dressed as a hedgehog and a turtle) start (on all fours) ramming their heads into our ankles. It was quite uncomfortable, but when we moved, they chased us. I mean, what are you supposed to do with that? Where were these kid's mother?
I mean seriously people.

Also, tonight I got a compliment about my eyes... I got told that they were a beautiful deep blue.



Don't laugh.... That might be the best physical compliment I've gotten in a while....

That makes me think, The best personality comment I got was also today.
Joelle told me that it is just in my nature to take care of people, and that people realize that about me.

I like that too.

"what happened last night" "last night you had friends"

Two people once comforted me as I sat in a car, crying my eyes out, wondering why I was on the face of the planet. I don't know what happened since then, but I wish my relationship with those two people had never changed. Maybe it hasn't, maybe they're busy, but they both seem distant today... I guess I'm jumping to conclusions based off of a very short very stressful amount of time.

If they haven't changed, I hope they never do.

these are the things that make me the happiest:

"that really crushed you... and pissed me off. That was why the tears started coming...

You said "Fuck" a lot, and it made me happy. You called L____ _____ a fucker, and that made me really happy. [:


And you said that because ______ is not dating me, that makes him an asshole who doesn't know what he wants...

But every drunk comment has a pretty good root of truth, so I felt ridiculously loved."

"I am so sorry, Brandon. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. But know that you are not alone - you have friends, and me.

What a messed up, muddled up, shitty world. I'm sorry we have to live in it. But there are good times too. Don't forget.

Don't worry about it. Of course I'm going to be there for you."

"you can sort through this as you wish. But I'm always here for you, no matter what.
xoxoxox"

I have some of the best friends in the world.

why the fuck do I need anyone else.

also... is a blog just a big diary for everyone to read? WTF mate (f'ing kangaroos)

Highpoint: new clothes! i got a sweet new shirty/ light jacket (it can double as either) and a sweet pirate ship printed shirt... clothes make my day everytime
lowpoint: three finals in one day... brutal
accomplishment: impromptu presentation as a rhetoric final, i forgot to prepare, and still pulled out an A
irriatation: not knowing what goes too far.... don't want to end the friendship, but we apparently need boundaries.
notable happenings: I spent time with one of my best friends boyfriend, and it was nice to get to know him to the point where it is just understood that i'm not trying to creep on his girl.
funny story: my rhetoric speech included me talking about leading a revolution in morocco, becoming president of morocco, winning a nobel prize for literature, and being assassinated by a group of religious extremists. best presentation of the day, especially since I only referred to myself in the third person, and as haskins, and was the first humorous presentation of the day.

Good day following a bad

so today was pretty darn good...... it made my life not seem as hopeless.

Highpoint of the day: I went on a beautiful drive with Katie today... we went out around the lake, it had just rained, but the sun was shining, and everything had a glimmer to it that just reaffirmed the existence of beauty in this world. Plus it was one of those conversations, that was constantly interrupted by our own ADD... (and in our defense we did see a roadkill baby llama and a herd of buffalo). The drive led us to these docks on the lake where we sat and talked about everything that had happened in the past day, and how much our friendship had transformed with a single sentence. It was beautiful.
Lowpoint of the day: We had our final younglife leader meeting of the year, that wasn't sad. what was sad was that I agreed to do it again next year because I don't know how to say no.
Irritation of the day: never knowing the right thing to say
Accomplishment of the day: I finished my rhetoric paper!!
Notable happenings: I was feeling pretty stressed, realizing that I simply didn't have the time to do the talking i needed to do for my sanity, and the studying I needed to do for my education, and deciding that my mental health was more important, I was relieved to return home, check my e-mail, and discover that two people, realizing that I've been having a hard time, had e-mailed me completed study guides for two of my finals tomorrow. Literally saving me 3-4 hours and another night without sleep. Sometimes it really is hard to deny the existence of some higher power that cares.
Funny story of the day: me and the other wyldlife leaders went to out middle school today, and outside was this single huge patch of snow/hail, just sitting completley alone, like a perfect gift from God, knowing exactly what I needed. The three of us had an impromptu snowball fight for about 30 minutes, during which we got completley soaked. How often do you get the chance to have a snowball fight in 60 degree weather in shorts and a t-shirt?

well

first off, let me say... if you read this, comment.. my last three blogs have gotten no comments, which is somewhat disheartening.

Today was not a good day... I'm up at three in the morning crying my eyes out because i feel like i unintentionally hurt a good friend.

there was no highpoint in my day... just bad points... each bad point slightly out badding the previous... now it's three in the morning and i'm still crying.. only not physically... i've run out of tears...

i never thought there was any validity to that statement until now.

christian schools suck... they push people towards romantic relationship that shouldn't exist... and in the past week I've experienced too many examples of the truth behind that statement.

I'm not too short
It's NOT you, it's me
I'm not in the wrong here....

i just need comfort... physical hugs..

The wisdom of Avenue Q

In the broadway musical Avenue Q there is a song called "Fine, Fine, Line" The wisdom of the song has become increasingly evident in my life this past week, and thus I though I would share it here.
lyrics:

There's a fine fine line
between a lover and a friend
There's a fine fine line
between reality and pretend
and you never know until you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb
but there's a fine fine line between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine fine line
between a fairy tale and a lie
There's a fine fine line
between your wonderful and goodbye
i guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
but There's a fine fine line between love,
and a waste of your time

and i don't have the time to waste on you anymore
i don't even think that you know what your looking for
for my own sanity I've gotta close the door
and walk away

There's a fine fine line
between together and not
There's a fine fine line
between what you wanted and what you got
you gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime
There's a fine fine line
between love
and waste of time.

so those are the lyrics... no explanation really... just wisdom I suppose.

Back from the former commies.

My roommate came home today.... Such the best thing ever

Highpoint of the day: I went on the social board final dinner, to PF Chang's. It was so amazing. First off, I was surrounded by amazing people that I invested so much time getting to know. I love those people. It was strange because I spent so much time getting to know them, but not in a friendship way, it was more of a business relationship... so to spend time with them and just get to be their friend was so nice. plus not to have been able to see them in an entire semester was so hard, so it was nice to see that we really had so much in common.

Lowpoint of the day: having to admit to my nonverbal class that i didn't do the reading because i got called out by the professor.

accomplishment of the day: I got the half of an arm off of the chair that i'm going to refurbish next semester... now I have this really cool one armed chair that I'm totally in love with. Now I just need to find the perfect paint and perfect fabric.

irritation of the day: I wish i knew the exact right way to express what I want to say.... but sometimes words just wouldn't work as well as punching someone in the face and while screaming your words hurt... or, figure these things out earlier.... or, when I say no, that doesn't mean tell someone I said yes.... (none of these are the right words to say, unless accompanied by the punch in the face.... the face punch replaces many words that just simply do not come to mind.)

notable happening of the day: I have my roommate back!! I've missed him.

Funny story of the day: today was not so funny.... wonderful, or irritating... but never funny.... I didn't laugh today...