tired tired tired

I’m not happy with how things in my life are going right now. Maybe I’m just not a happy person. I feel as if my happiness is like a candle and everyone around me is armed with one of those water cannons from the carnival… the ones that you use to shoot in the mouth of the clowns to blow up the balloon…
I think the worst part is that I’m okay with that.
Last night I filled out the transfer application to Nevada state. I know it’s stupid, I know I should think through this more, but things just aren’t that good right now… not at NNU, not at home, not in life in general, and I’ve screwed up enough of my relationships that I’m not worried about leaving the rest. The ones that matter will remain I’m sure.
I think I’m just grasping at straws, trying to keep something good in my life.
I know the next five years of my life don’t exactly look to hot, and after graduation this year, some shit is going to hit the fan… and I’m going to have to deal with a lot, and going to Nevada might just mean creating enough of a new life and a strong enough support to make sure that I can get through everything… and get through it all in a healthy way.
Dr. Allen is going to KILL me. Absolutely KILL me.
I just want to escape… that’s probably part of it, and I know that isn’t healthy, and isn’t a way to start this thing in a healthy way.
I know better than this.
I’ve studied relationships and communication enough to know that this isn’t healthy.
But I think it might be what I have to do.
I don’t know how to tell my parents, my friends or those others that I am close to.
I need to go to the zoo…
In all of this though… there is a part of me that says no… part of me that says I know what I need to do.
I need to say no, I need to finish up school where I’m at. Stick with my friends and make a support out of that.
Part of me that says I need to settle down to.
Need to find some nice girl, accept that, and make my parents happy… get married, have a family, get a job, and live the GD American dream…
But along with that goes so many things that I lose… things that just seem to be calling to me
The peacecorp
Grad school
World travel
And so many things that go along with it. So many things that seem to be quintessentially me, those are the things I lose.
Losing those things doesn’t especially bother me, which is what scares me the most… could I be wrong about this? That sentence is the most important in this entire thing… could I be wrong? Some of you will get it… some of you won’t